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March 09 2019

Autism. It's fucking hell. Being intelligent, and mostly "normal" , but not being able to do anything right. People think you're purposely obtuse. People that most closely understand, still don't when it is too much. "Just think about it for a minute" . Well, I fucking do. I think about shit all day. I agonize over conversations and past mistakes. I over analize every interaction I have, because I can not navigate it naturally, and don't want to offend and not understand I have. But, my brain doesn't work the right way. And I still make mistakes. I don't understand why some things matter and others don't.
It's such an awful thing to try to do things "correctly", and then be told that someone is hurt, specifically because of the thing you tried to make things right.   I am not stupid. And it hurts to try to navigate , but still tragically fail. And have someone who knows about me, basically not believe I meant no offense just give up, sucks. 

I know more than I ever have. I think I'm trying harder than I ever have... but I can never feel like I've " got" it. .... Playing on another team mostly results  in failure when in a world that plays on the opposition. Logic tends to always rule when I have enough time and calm environment to stand back and look/think. What happens when NT logic and mine are different? Normally it's just navigated through... but, really, shits hard right now. 

March 06 2019


March 05 2019

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March 04 2019

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Hayla by Lu Vuong 
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Milan Cathedral by Valerio D’Ospina
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